Forgiving

 “Thank you for giving me this experience”.

I heard this definition of forgiveness spoken at a memorial celebration for a kind and loving man. It stayed with me.

I had a friend visit for a couple of days. This is the first time I have had anyone in my house since the pandemic.

We had a wonderful time, laughing, reconnecting, telling some of our deepest stories and eating delicious food. I slept deeply; smiling at what a treat it was to say, ‘Good Night’ with a hug and the same thing with ‘Good Morning’.

During her visit, we handled a task that was time sensitive for her upcoming trip. I agreed to follow up when her item was ready. I was to pick it up and ship it to her.

Said item came in, she received the notice, texted me, I drove to the big box store only to discover they couldn’t find the item.

I went out to the car to get my phone to show the clerk the text she had received proving her item was ready for pick up. As I walked, I texted my friend to stand by her phone as I may need to call her. I received no response.

I became irrationally angry. All kinds of invectives went off in my head about her less than stellar qualities in relationship! In my mind, I was totally justified in feeling that mad.

I fumed for two days, even as I was finally able to get the item and ship it to her. I continued to ruminate all night while sleep evaded me.

Finally, today, as I was shoveling horse manure, it dawned on me!

She had completely been a ‘stand in” for my mother. My friend and I had a heartfelt connection then she went home and returned to her busy life getting settled in her new home.

Translated from my unconscious:

From my mother, I received love, caring, and connection for a moment. She then withdrew into her own life and schedule. I was left wondering if the warmth she gave me was real or false. Did I make up the happiness I felt? Such was just the rhythm of our relationship.

So, I learned not to trust my intuition. I learned not to trust love. I learned that after love came loss, abandonment, and loneliness.

It is no wonder I fled outdoors to the animals and the woods! There was honesty, congruence and truth there.

I also can see how now, I ostensibly, do fine living and being alone, with my cats and horse. An introverted ‘lone wolf’. Seventy-four years of self-sufficiently and self-nurturing digs a pretty deep rut in the psyche.

So, it is with much gratitude that I send thanks to my friend for standing in for mother. I thank her for giving me a learning experience I could have received no other way than through the power of love.

And I am learning to forgive myself for asking so much from my dearest friends. To those who have had the patience to stick with me through my ‘insistence that they be different than they are’; I send you deep gratitude.

Until this day, I had no clue about my underlying motivation.

You know who you are! THANK YOU.