loss

I have been contemplating ‘loss.’

Aging, growing deeper into myself, and a health change has done that.

There are lots of responses, freely given, when we share news of a loss.

“You’re strong, I know you’ll survive this.

“He is in a better place now.

“When one door closes, another one opens.

“He wasn’t good enough for you anyway,

“That’s why I’ll never get another pet.

“You have known she was like that, for a long time, you finally ended it. What’s the problem?

“You have outgrown those old friends, time to move on.

I have heard every one of those. Have you?

What I see is a cultural allergy to acknowledging the pain that accompanies loss.

We are a ‘suck it up, buttercup’ kind of society.

I don’t blame my well-meaning friends who offer their words of wisdom to assuage my sadness. That is how we are taught to be helpful, to minimize the pain with a ‘this too shall pass,’ verbal salve.

Loss, in our interior world, feels like a death. Maybe a small one, maybe one that needed to happen, maybe one that was ultimately designed to move us along on life’s journey, but it still hurts.

What I know is that everything changes in life, in nature, in the universe.

What I know is that love, and loss go together.

 Only when we have loved, do we feel the pain of loss when a relationship changes.

The only way I know to be with a friend who has suffered a loss.

is to offer that which soothes me.

Listen. Be fully Present.

Acknowledge the loss with simple words, like ‘I am so sorry’.

Let there be space – QUIET – for her to talk more. There is always more.

Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Open your heart, to your ability to empathize.

Be present to whatever comes up. Be gracious.

There is a great temptation to share your own experience of loss – don’t do it.

There is a great temptation to offer any of the platitudes I listed above – don’t do it.

There is a great temptation to offer advice – don’t do it.

It is rare for me to ever suppose I know enough to give advice. But this I know is true.

Love, Elizabeth