A Road to Acceptance

It started slowly this winter when I decided to follow the seasonal rhythms. To rest, stay warm, minimize social interactions, and basically hibernate like a bear. In doing so, without any real effort, I became much more aware of my body.

I noticed that after three or four hours at the barn, my energy flagged, and I needed to rest when I returned home. Eventually I began to question, “What is wrong with me?”

Finally, it dawned. “You only have 3/4ths of your lung tissue that functions, you used to have 100% and you are not really as young as you think you are!” Yet, I hear others say “Age is only a number! You are as young as you feel!” This is partially true. Attitude does count. Yet, I have learned we are a combination of mind-body-soul and spirit. *

They cannot be separated.

However, I was snagged by the cultural/medical model of ‘curing.’ It wasn’t working. I have effected some changes with alternative methods, but the scarring is still there. I won’t dissolve just because I envision it. My body is tired of being pushed around by my achievement-oriented mind.

I sensed I was being called to view my lungs and image of my aging self in a new way – with acceptance. And with that understanding, I felt my entire system* relax. What if I could live this way?  As I luxuriated in the feeling, my inner pusher took a vacation.

The sense of acceptance began to trickle into other areas of my life.  What if I accepted my body the way it is right now? I had been holding myself hostage to the belief that I needed to lose weight in order to look okay. Only then, could I spend money on clothes. This hostage situation has lasted for years, resulting in a wardrobe that fits in a cupboard. I panic if invited anywhere other than the barn.

So, I ordered some clothes in my size and was ecstatic upon their arrival.

Immersed in self-acceptance, the inner pusher/critical voice in my head was quiet. Wow, if I could live my life this way how much more pleasurable it would be? What if life was really about being happy – joyful even?

I relaxed even more and within a few days – guess who returned? YUP!

“You’re eating too much! You’re starting to get lazy and fat! You are badly out of shape! You have got to exercise more!

Yada yada yada!”

Then, some more trousers I had ordered arrived – same size, same brand just different color. All of a sudden ‘they don’t look right; you’d better return them.’ Fortunately, I was able to catch myself and notice who had come back. The non-stop critical voice. So, with some trepidation, I kept the pants.

My inner critic is repeating beliefs that have, over the years, been laid down in thick layers. Which brings me to this conclusion. Acceptance will be a life-long practice. That’s why I named this story the road. That’s as far as I can go on this one. I am simply left with a question:

“What is the difference between acceptance and giving up?”