The Lumpy Pillow

It all started when I traveled to a friend’s house and stayed in her guest room. For two nights, I couldn’t sleep as the pillows seemed to be filled with little clumps that felt like soft ping pong balls. As I tossed and turned, my mind came up with a solution. I would purchase a pillow at home, bag it up, carry it on the plane next time and present it to my friend.

I’m going to digress here. One of the many neurotic glitches I have is a reluctance to ask for what I need. The repercussions are twofold – this trait affects both committed relationships as well as everyday friendships. I have unknowingly operated under the assumption that if someone loved me, they would know what I needed without me having to ask. In hindsight, it’s obvious how problematic that is in a marriage! This attitude had never, until recently, come to the light of my awareness until a friend pointed out that he wasn’t a mind reader – I needed to tell him what I wanted.

Now, back to the pillows. After the second sleepless night, I haltingly asked my friend if, by any chance, if it wouldn’t inconvenience her, if she had any other pillows. She easily pulled two out of the closet that were just the firmness I needed.

We had a good laugh about it as I admitted how difficult it was just to ask.

As we talked more, I realized how deeply I have been taught that my needs were inconvenient. A nice person would accommodate the needs of others first. It could be a ‘family thing ‘or a ‘woman thing’ or a ‘’cultural thing’ or a ‘raised under the patriarchal norms of the 50’s’ thing. Whatever the origin, I swallowed it hook, line and sinker!

I had become the Queen of Accommodation as I surely did not want to inconvenience anyone with my needs!

Several days after this pattern came to light, I awoke at dawn thinking about a friend who has felt like a thorn in my side for years. I never understood exactly why until that morning. She is the epitome of entitlement. She embodies the shadow side of accommodation. She is the kind of person I dare not be. She represents my shadow, the disowned part of myself.

I view her with more kindness now. She is a part of me that has remained hidden. I am grateful she has represented the quality of having privilege with a right to have her needs met. Now I understand that deferring to the needs of others may have been the source of my years of sadness. In any case, it is an old habit that is no longer healthy for me.

So, that’s my story. It has only taken seventy-six years to figure out that it’s time to express what I want rather than defer to (my perception of) what will make others happy. 

It has been a humble awakening.

I imagine I am not the only woman who has accommodated until she is either angry, resentful, or depressed about this culturally sanctioned norm. If you recognize yourself, take heart, there is a way out of the pattern.

Meanwhile, life will give me ample opportunities to practice speaking up.

Wish me luck.