Reflections on my 76th year –November 2024

Initially I started this web log as a vehicle for recording the events of my ‘retirement’ years and sharing my photographs with friends. I also hoped that if I slid into dementia, I would have tangible evidence of my rich, full life.

My birthday month is like a personal New Year’s Eve. It is a time to gather the lessons learned and the terrain I have traveled as the earth rotates through the seasons. November is a time of reflection and harvesting wisdom.

As I looked back, I realized Charles Dickens nailed it when he wrote: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Within this past year I have run the gamut of emotions from delight and laughter to rage and fear. I rarely do anything halfway, rather I leap right in to the deep part of the water every time!

As I reread my stories, I noticed that new life lessons came to the fore almost every month! I ‘wrote my way through each of them,’ which is how I learn and make sense of the world. In each story, I was oblique and never named who or what caused the descent or ascent, and I still refrain from doing so. However, I observed that those closest to my heart had the power to evoke the strongest reactions.

The most extreme of which were related to the rage of betrayal and the fear of poverty. Both times, my physical sensations and emotional responses felt outsized-like memories on steroids! They were larger than I could remember from my personal history. With guidance, I was able to understand that these are known as ‘lineage memories,’ those stronger than could be accounted for in my lifetime; memories I carried within in my DNA. I was being offered the opportunity to heal the pain of my ancestors. It took weeks to process the sensations in my mind and body.

 I knew it was finished, when my normal energy returned, I was able to smile, and function again.

Also, this year I learned that the way we operate in relationships is a reflection our attachment styles; those developed in infancy when, without language, we learned about love, connection, security and safety. And how these imprints can create misunderstandings in friendships and partnerships. This led to my awareness of how much I accommodate others in order to remain in connection, as well as the negative effect it has on my mind and body.

I experienced the life force leaving the body of a friend moments after she passed away. It was a mystical few hours. Months later, as I rewrote my Will, I felt my own last days, bedridden, and saying goodbye to friends and my furry companions.

I have become acutely aware of my own aging and physical constraints that were absent, even five years ago.

I learned a deeper lesson about judgments and the importance of living into ‘the grey.’ To stretch beyond the righteousness of dualism – bad or good, right or wrong – to embrace the compassion of acceptance of both myself and others.

I learned that each of us has the capacity for kindness, for cruelty and everything in between. That we are each such complex creatures our only hope of understanding each other is to ask questions, be curious and listen with an open heart.

Sprinkled in between the tough lessons there have also been weeks of joy, delight, beauty, mystery and love. I traveled to Maine to see cousins and revisited the rocky coast holding fast against the Atlantic Ocean. I spent days exploring back roads, forests and harbors while taking photographs.

Purchasing a new camera facilitated my enchantment with light and the pleasure of looking closely at the details of that which we perceive as ordinary.

It has been a year of slowing down and noticing those close at hand – friendships, two beloved cats, a sweet mare plus the incredible variety that Nature provides every day. All this vibrant color waiting for my camera to wrap its arms around.

It has been a year rich in Light, Dark, Color, and Mystery. A year full of Gratitude for the life I have been given. All of which I have attempted to capture in Stories & Pictures. And this, my 2024 summary, and the longest story yet. Oh my, what a year!

love elizabeth